Today's Lesson

Damn, fools, I have been learning during my prolonged absence. I've been learning good. And the man above is my mentor. And he's also a great philanthropist.

What, you might well ask, do I mean?

Read on:

Lessons I have learned from The Gang:

1) Never let a hitchhiker drive your car, especially if you are not in it.

2) If in a moving vehicle, check to see if the person in front of you has a jar full of pee. If so, close your window in case of accidental backspray if the pee is thrown. In fact, probably best just to leave the car if there is pee in an unsealed container.

3) Do you want to hang yourself? Make sure the rope is strong enough and that you have secured it to a suitable fitting securely. Otherwise, embarrassment may occur. Particularly if you are in a stranger's house.

4) Always bring a gun to an intervention because somebody else is sure to.

5) Wine in a can. Try it. You will have exactly no regrets.

6) Oh look - you're on a date! There are several things to consider. Is a breast-grab-lunge really the right option? Should you swap shirts with a man in the toilets, because yours is ruined by sweat? Should you order milk-steak? The answer to some of these questions is no.

7) Always keep hornets in a box marked 'H'. It's the only way to be sure that they will not be accidentally released.



I hope my continuing efforts to educate you all are appreciated. If not, kindly self-murder.